The Official Guide to Stuff Mormons Like

MIlestones

2009-06-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

Baby blessings. Baptisms. Birthdays. Being set apart. Ordinations. Sustainings. Housewarmings. Baby showers. Bridal showers. Wedding receptions. Courts of honor. Young womanhood recognition. Reaching dating age. Missionary calling opening/farewell/homecomings. Each one of these is an important and hallowed Mormon milestone, complete with accompanying unofficial (official) ceremonies.

Baby blessing? Consider it your license to ditch the block schedule after Sacrament meeting to have a family get together at your home completely consequence free. Reaching dating age? That first date is set up weeks in advance, followed by a spirited group romp to Scandia/Trafalga and a nice big high five to end the night. Ice blocking is a nearly free and perfectly acceptable alternative to go-carts and mini-golf. Getting married, are you? First, plan an elaborate and hopefully videotaped proposal so that you'll have something to post on YouTube, then, go register at Target or Wal-Mart. Ladies, remember to register for that KitchenAid or Bosch you've had your eye on ever since the first time you helped your mom in the kitchen. Gentlemen, shoot for the moon; register for that Xbox 360, you probably have a cool group of friends who will all go in on it. You'll have to sneak the scanner away from your fiancee, however. What should you do if you're opening your mission call? This one nearly plans itself. Grab the family camcorder, record the prospective Missionary reading the call verbatim, and then find the little known city/country where the mission is located on a globe or atlas. When it's time for that farewell (even though there really aren't farewells anymore) you have earned carte blanche to either try to sound way more spiritual than you really are, or to throw your talk together 10 minutes before since you went on your last official date the previous evening.

Perhaps one of the least mentioned milestones is recognizing the arrival of large, even numbers in a Mormon blog's hit count. While most Mormons will explain that their blog is just a fun little way to keep loved ones in the loop, secretly, every Mormon knows that their little corner of the internet is the coolest thing ever, and they take their hit count very seriously. It is an unspoken competition among Mormons, and Relief Society sisters will often troll other sister's blogs to get a feel for who has the most happening blog on the block.

Whenever a large, even number is hit (100, 1,000, 10,000) a Mormon has two options, to either show true class and let it pass unnoticed, or write a self-congratulatory post which most people will shrug off.

The Mother's Day/Father's Day Double Standard

2009-06-06T22:21:00.001-07:00

Mormons take gender roles very seriously (in case you didn't follow any of the news in California last year) and, as such, tend to make a big deal out of Mother's Day and Father's Day. They'll even base entire church meetings around those days. However, their approach to the two holidays couldn't be any more diferent.

Mother's Day will usually be celebrated with teary-eyed church members gushing about how important mothers are, and how much they love their own mothers. Stripling warriors and their mothers will be invoked repeatedly. Sentimental poems will be read and church leaders will be quoted about how awesome every mom always is. Flowers might be presented to all the women at church. Maybe even candy.

On Father's Day, men at church will be told to do a better job. They'll be lectured about how important their job is, and how awful everything is because they're slackers. Priesthood meeting will be especially awful. Luckily, most men will assume that the sermons are meant for those other guys, not him, and will blissfully look forward to a steak dinner when he gets home.

Church Dances

2009-05-13T19:37:00.000-07:00

Take one part raging (and repressed) hormones, one part angst ridden despair, add a spritz of Attention Deficit Disorder, talk to your local Bishopric member to get your dance card, and hang on for dear life. You my friend, are invited to the church dance.

While not wholly unique to Mormon culture, the LDS or so called church dance is a nuanced affair and has unique features not present in secular school dances. Any societal gathering where adolescent boys and girls have the opportunity to interact and mingle will bring on a certain degree of anxiety, but imagine if you will a gathering where you may or may not be making an impression on the person you will one day marry for all eternity.

No pressure there.

It would take a web based database on the scale of Wikipedia to chronicle all of the unique characters that populate the church dance, but some regular attendees include:

The guy who asks every girl to dance: This well bred young man will ask every girl to dance, regardless of physical appearance, because they are all “sweet spirits”. Beware, as this young man sometimes is just masquerading and turns out to be “the guy who asks all the ugly girls to dance to impress one really hot girl who thinks that it’s ‘sweet’”.

The ska/slam dance/emo/mosh brigade (depending on era attended): self-explanatory.

The too cool for school group: They will melt you with their white hot stares until you evaporate into thin air before their very eyes. Cliques from your ward learned their techniques in the minors. Warning, they will never dance.

The stalker: The kid who will find the guy/girl that he/she likes, and try to ask them for every slow dance, OR will find the same person from one week to another and always sneak in at least one dance. Special note #1, if someone has done this to you, you are already a couple in their mind. Special note #2, if you don’t know who the stalker is, you might be the stalker.

The investigator/recent convert: this young person almost always behaves better than actual members.

Bolo tie guy: often seen with a satin shirt and cowboy boots to finish off the ensemble.

The couple that will need to talk to Bishop tomorrow: the gravitational pull generated from their body proximity during slow dances will draw chaperones towards them like a planetary mass. No number of admonitions of keeping Book of Mormon length apart (or a quad length apart in more orthodox Mormon communities) will keep this from happening.

The kid that is so little, you cannot believe he is old enough to come to the church dance, but is: Don’t worry, the fear he feels now will contribute to his spiritual development later on. He will score plenty of dates by asking hot girls out in semi-stalkerish ways (see related post).

The group of kids that try to get inappropriate song requests past the DJ: Blister in the Sun is the poster child for this phenomenon

The church dance is never finished until its participants have paid their requisite visit to the local Denny's/IHOP to top off the evening by enjoying a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity or Moons Over My Hammy as they scramble to close any loose ends, such as getting digits, or making loud and obnoxious announcements over the restaurant's loud speaker.

In a very scientific survey, conducted by this very website, the first ever class of the “Church Dance Hall of Fame” was recently inducted. Those sacrosanct songs are:

Lady in Red by Chris DeBurgh
I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston
Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex
Blister in the Sun by Violent Femmes
It’s the End of the World as We Know it (And I Feel Fine) by R.E.M.
(I would Walk) 500 Miles by Proclaimers
YMCA by The Village People
Tainted Love by Soft Cell
Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order
Rock Lobster and/or Love Shack by The B-52’s

**These are merely the first inductees. Please submit further nominees in the comments section for this post.

Comparing Trials

2009-05-03T11:58:00.001-07:00

If you’re like most people, you probably look back on your life and think, “Life hasn’t been half bad. I haven’t, say, been laid siege on by Indians, having to escape with my nursing child dangling from her clothing clutched in my teeth as I snuck away on all fours in the middle of the night, surviving on rose buds and roots for ten more days before the rescue party found us. I’ve never had to decide which of my children gets to eat the last serving of beans and knowing that I’ll have to listen to the other two cry from hunger throughout the night. And hey, I’ve managed to live indoors and eat just about every day of my life. In fact, I’ve been able to eat so much that my body actually has actually taken on the round shape so coveted by ancient cultures.”

“Yes,” you say, as you lean back in a comfortable sofa while cool or warm air blows directly on to you, as if magically, “I don’t have it half bad.”

If this is your attitude, however, you would make a very bad Mormon. While Mormons regularly exhort one another to count their many blessings, yea, even one by one, there is nothing more Mormon than counting your trials. Trials, it turns out, are the true sign of righteousness. And in any group of Mormons you’ll be sure to hear more than your share of them. An account of hardships is usually delivered with one of those fake, pained smiles and a sigh. “Yes,” your Mormon friend or neighbor will say, “we’ve had more than our share of trials in this family, but doggone it, we just get through them.”

Many a Sunday school lesson has descended into an hour of one-upsmanship, where Mormons strive to top one another as they enumerate difficult times. “You lost your job and your house?” One will say. “Why that’s certainly a tough one. Of course, my husband left me for the babysitter right after our daughter hit our dog and totaled the minivan. That was a tough day.”

As with many Mormon circumstances, the more visible and obvious the trial, the more it can be brought up in discussions as a talking point. A house burning down or a rebellious teenager, for example, gets much more attention than a quiet fight with depression or dealing with a mentally ill sibling. The idea is to strike that balance so that your fellow Mormons will say, “Sister so-and-so sure is strong,” and not “man, Sister so-and-so’s life blows.”

Mormons often remind each other of the story of Job. Where a man was so righteous that God and the Satan made a bet about him. These stories, rather than encourage righteousness, however, seem more to remind the average Mormon to dial it back a little. The logical path when confronted with this story is to shoot for that little area between so wicked that you don’t get any cool stuff and so righteous that your kids all die.

Submitted by Matt Howard
thefourthnephite@gmail.com
deskofmisc.blogspot.com

Toyota Sienna and Honda Odyssey

2009-04-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

While in its heyday, the “BMW” or Big Mormon Wagon referred to a Suburban or other heavy Sport Utility Vehicle, gas prices and Mormon chic has ushered in a new era of official vehicular dominance in Mormon circles; the two headed beast of the Toyota Sienna/Honda Odyssey.

Every transportation related discussion in the last 5-6 years in Mormon circles has revolved around these two vehicles, with the tie-breaker on a year to year basis going to which of the big two won the Consumer Reports annual face-off. Every conversation has either contained the phrase “We just got a Sienna/Odyssey” or “We’re thinking about getting a Sienna/Odyssey”, even if the person saying it has no intention of doing it.

The Sienna/Odyssey has grown in popularity owing to several factors. First among them the fact that smaller families may drive around in a vehicle designed for a bigger family without feeling stupid. This increases their feelings of Mormon-ness, as it is completely acceptable for a family with as few as two children to own the Sienna/Odyssey. As Mormons multiply and replenish the Earth, it also affords them room to expand, or at least leaves the option open even if a couple has no intention of having more than two children. Owning a Sienna/Odyssey is often a great way of never having to answer the question “So, are you planning to have more kids?”

In the Latter days as Mormons seek to eliminate all aesthetics that the secular world would use to oppress and persecute them, many are downgrading Suburbans and Tahoes to the Sienna/Odyssey to appear more environmentally friendly. “Hey, look at me! I may buck the societal conventions of having a small family, but I drive a socially responsible Sienna/Odyssey! Instead of getting 17 miles to the gallon, I get 22!” Because of this, it is anticipated that as Hybrid Sienna/Odysseys reach wide release, they will overtake the current Sienna/Odysseys as the official mode of Mormon transportation.

Mormon women wishing to convince their husbands to ditch their dreams of SUVs should point out the remote side door control and built in DVD options, whereupon their men will promptly ask to speak to a sales associate.

Using "Mormon Standard Time" As An Excuse

2009-04-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

In a classic episode of The Simpsons ("Simpson Tide"), Homer lies to Mr. Burns to get out of trouble for yet another disaster by saying, "It's my first day." Burns, who still doesn't recognize Homer after all these years, laughs and lets him go. Mr. Smithers points out the deception to Burns, who turns back to Homer and demands an explanation for the lie, saying, "What made you think you could lie to me and get away with it?" Homer quickly answers with, "It's my first day!" Again, Burns decides to let the "new guy" off easy.

A similar trick has found its way into the DNA of LDS culture. Mormons have gotten the concept of "Mormon Standard Time" so deeply enmeshed into its roots that to even question it will leave your average Latter-day Saint scratching his head in confusion. "Of course MST is real," they'll avow. "That's why I'm always exactly ten minutes late to church!" And he'll no doubt say this while sitting on his couch, doing something other than preparing for the meeting that starts in ten minutes.

Though they use it as a corny in-joke ("Hey, Brandon's late for seminary/mutual/school/his own Eagle project, etc....must be on Mormon Standard Time!"), they still reserve the right to claim it as a legitimate excuse for their own time management malfeasance ("Oh my heck, I can't believe she's late again. She's like the poster girl for Mormon Stan...wait! What time is it? Shoot, I'm late for my Enrichment meeting!").

Indeed, MST is such a cherished understanding between all the scheduling skill-challenged among the Mormon community that it may well turn up as an acceptable excuse for things that are clearly non-MST related.

PINEWOOD DERBIES

Scoutmaster: Your metal car weighs ten pounds and has a working motor!

Webelo: I was on Mormon Standard Time.

Scoutmaster: Oh, OK.

GIRLS CAMP

YCL: Why on earth would you spread those vicious rumors about the Mia Maids?

Laurel: It had something to do with Mormon Standard Time.

YCL: I see.

STAKE DISCIPLINARY COUNCILS:

Stake President: Brother So-and-So, is it true that you have cheated on your wife twice, published articles defaming the Church, and stolen tithing money after beating up the deacons?

Brother So-and-So: Mormon Standard Time.

SP: Ha ha ha! Very good then. Let's just forget this whole mess. Off you go!

Sadly, we have yet to observe any Latter-day Saints using "Mormon Standard Time" as an excuse at meal times or sporting events, mostly because nobody's ever been late to any of those things.

Speculating About Controversial Doctrines

2009-03-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

Every ward has one: the guy who loves to dig into the most obscure corners of church history, not really to edify himself or even to find something that either proves the church true or false, but just to find irritatingly difficult nuggets of information, trivia which he can then use to impress/provoke/make others uncomfortable. Even he doesn't really know what it means, he just knows that he likes the power implied in perhaps being the one guy who knows the Secret Stuff.

He'll lean over to you during a Gospel Doctrine lesson on something he finds unimportant, say, the Atonement, and whisper, "This is boring. You know what's cool? There's a copy of a first edition volume of the Journal of Discourses transcribed by a witness in French where Elder Erastus Q. Zebulon taught that in order to be saved, Adam had to go to Kolob and sacrifice fifty of his wives, and so will we. Dude, what's up with that?"

Attempting to refute such spurious piffle will only result in rolled eyes on the the part of your enlightened friend, who will then accuse you of drinking the Public Relations Department's Kool Aid.

Sometimes a ward will have more than one such fellow, and Elders Quorum lessons on service or priesthood leadership in the home will spontaneously erupt into heated debates about the identity of the One Mighty and Strong, or just how many undercover missionaries the church has in China, or, if you're really lucky, deeply learned diatribes about how Eve is really Heavenly Mother.

These trends are especially pronounced if your ward is in Utah, or near a college. If your ward happens to be near a college in Utah, look out. You may go an entire year of sacrament meetings without ever hearing about hope or forgiveness, but could hear endless locutions about how someone found a code in the Doctrine and Covenants that proves that the Book of Mormon was actually written by two-headed lizards from Mars.

During such an inspiring meeting, were an ironic soul to vocally query about the silliness of the old question, "How many angels can fit on the head of a pin?", the loquacious brethren in your ward might cheerfully dismiss it: "Irrelevant navel gazing! Good thing there aren't any myopic rubes like that around here!"

[Editor's note: all the irreverent "ideas" used as examples in this piece are fake, heretical, or dumb. Or all three.]

Bunco

2009-03-08T16:05:00.000-07:00

From the Wikipedia entry for Bunco: "It is especially popular among Mormon women, presumably because it is complete chance and therefore less insidious as a form of gambling."

Yes, them Mormon gals sure do love them some Bunco. For those looking to understand this sub-cultural phenomenon, Bunco is a dice game where rolling certain totals earns players their share of a community pot, which may be gifts rather than actual cash. It's become popular as an activity for LDS women who want to enjoy the thrill of excluding other women from their Bunco group as well as gossipping about those other women after they've been so excluded.

Refreshments may also be served.

Remember when you were a punk kid and you enjoyed shaking up an ant farm to see them get all angry? Try suggesting to a Mormon woman that Bunco is gambling and you'll get essentially the same response.

You'll also see firsthand something else that Mormons like: rationalizing.

"No! Bunco is NOT gambling! Everybody gets something! It's, it's...all in good fun! Uh....we don't use face cards!"

Ah, yes, the demure confidence of the innocent. In some parts of the world (cough, cough, Utah, cough), Bunco has even been used as a Relief Society activity, which seems far more productive than something as pointless as, say, making emergency kits or studying the gospel or going to the temple or other silly stuff like that.

After such a rousing evening of NOT gambling, a typical Mormon woman returns home, refreshed, ready to excoriate her husband for watching sports on Sunday.

Offering service during goodbyes

2009-02-26T18:59:00.000-08:00

Ever said goodbye to a Mormon? If you have, there is a high probability that they said back to you “Well, let us/me know if there’s anything you need.” You felt good because they took an interest in you, and offered a free bit of service, which you good-naturedly declined (if you followed protocol), and they felt good because they extended the offer of service without having to lift a finger.

Again, if protocol was followed.

If you did not follow protocol, and you mentioned an act of service that requires more than a two minute time investment, be prepared for a blank stare. If you have seen the episode of Star Trek where a robot is asked a paradoxical question, and their internal circuitry basically melts because there is no logical answer, you will be prepared for their response. Confusion and a reluctant or hesitant acceptance of their fate will follow,

This leave taking is the Mormon version of “awareness”, a trait exposed by White Person expert Christian Lander. Awareness is the act of making people aware of some type of problem, and then handing it off to someone else to take care of. Awareness is highly desirable because a person only has to make people aware of a problem (Deforestation in South America is bad!), without having to do anything about it. This leave taking is the same thing, and the official protocol is as follows:

1. Goodbye said.
2. Offer of “anything we can do” extended
3. Good feeling by offeree, good natured “Not right now”, “I’ll let you know” or similar acceptable response given
4. Good feeling by offerer, service offered, not rendered

There is, of course, the alternate or “nuclear option” protocol which is as follows

1. Goodbye said.
2. Offer of “anything we can do” extended
3. Good feeling by offeree, thoughts of “House will finally get painted!” entertained
4. Offer of service accepted, great feeling by offeree
5. Confusion followed by bad feeling by offerer, service offered and accepted, Saturday shot to heck.

Please note, sometimes offerees will jokingly respond “Sure [snickering], you can paint my house!” and both parties enjoy a hearty guffaw. However, offerers should carefully note facial expressions when analyzing responses for mocking tones, as it would be considered extremely poor taste to laugh in the face of someone genuinely asking for a bit of service.

Nourishing and Strengthening

2009-02-16T21:48:00.000-08:00

To have the best glimpse into the Mormon soul, one need only listen to the prayer of a Saint to know what their most important activities and desires are. 15 prayers, usually at meals, should be all you need to know, that one of the favorite pastimes of Mormons is Nourishing and Strengthening.

Mormons love to nourish and strengthen themselves. Since sociologists first started tracking the most frequently mentioned subjects in Mormon prayers, it has been found, that not since 1942 has a meal prayer been uttered that didn’t contain the phrase or some derivative thereof “bless this food, that it may nourish and strengthen us”. It was only later in the 50’s that same food was also “doing us the good that we need”.

Mormons are obsessed with being nourished and strengthened for many reasons. First and foremost, their passion for self-improvement requires a good deal of fortitude. It is only through rigorous nourishing and strengthening that perfection may be obtained. Likewise, the phrase undeniably sounds better than blessing food “so that it is tasty and good for us”. There is also a commonly held belief that even one omission of the phrase may lead to serious physical deformities, freak salmonella and/or arsenic poisoning, and a gradual decrease in muscle tone and/or mass.

While vain repetitions are frowned upon in Mormon circles, it is difficult, neigh impossible to purify food without using this empowering phrase. An exercise at least as challenging as a middle tier Sudoku puzzle for Mormons is to try to bless food using an alternate phrase. While not as aesthetically pleasing, the outcome might be a delightfully pleasant surprise.

Or a nice case of the runs. Be warned.

Three Nephites Sightings

2009-02-09T21:17:00.001-08:00

It's cold, it's rainy, you've got a flat, and find yourself ill equipped to deal with this escalating disaster. The kids are whining in the back seat, and your cell phone has just died. Hope is lost. In the distance, headlights. The distance closes, and what you can now make out as a beat up station wagon pulls up slowly behind your stalled Toyota Sienna. While you might be filled with dread, a feeling of calm floods your body instead, as a man exits his vehicle and moves towards the flat. Silently, and methodically, he changes the flat. Once finished, he moves back towards his own vehicle, pausing only momentarily to shoot you a quick glance over his shoulder and smile. As you stand there, wonderstruck, through the pouring rain you make out two other silhouettes in the other vehicle.

Congratulations, you were just saved by the Three Nephites.

The Three Nephites are the most well travelled do-gooders on the planet, sort of like a righteous version of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie without all the adoptions and sin. One part Cain from Kung Fu, one part MacGuyver, one part disciple, and 100 percent amazing, these three wanderers have been seen in every country, nation, and principality imaginable. Their tire fixing, road show saving, assault preventing actions are bound by no jurisdiction, and their only border is the four corners of the Earth.

Mormons know that random acts of service can only be perpetrated by other Mormons or crazy truckers. It is then understood that practically any act of anonymous service rendered has at least a 67% probability of being perpetrated by one or all of these three modern day Righteous Rangers. If two other men are standing mysteriously in the distance, this probability rises to nearly 93%.

If one of them winks knowingly as they walk off into the sunset, it is an absolute statistical certainty that the Three Nephites ministered to you in your hour of need.

Thrashing Anti-Mormon Arguments

2009-02-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

"Goodness gracious me!" declares our average, earnestly pacifistic Joe Mormon. "Contention is of the devil. I hate that stuff and never pay attention to it." And such somber pronouncements are usually offered in the gravest of sincerity.

But...

Chances are that most Mormons are familiar with the basics of anti-Mormon propaganda, and take just a wee smidgen bit of guilty delight in knowing how to tear them into sad, minuscule little shreds of deflated logic, exposing them for the shoddy ideas that they are, and leaving said propaganda curled up in a corner, whimpering and sucking their thumbs. Even if the typical Latter-day Saint eschews confrontation and honestly does avoid such discussions in the real world, it's a comforting pleasure to know that one could rend such pitiful attacks asunder if one wanted to.

What did that article in The Nation just say about us? That we believe that our underwear has magic powers? Well, I could show them some quotes that would clear that right up and take their dumb old great and spacious building down a story or two...

Indeed, a huge segment of the LDS presence on the Internet is dedicated to such polemics, both private and public (thus the popularity of Jeff Lindsay and FAIR, for example). So while Joe Average Mormon (Joe Birkenstock? Joe Plasma Screen? Joe I'll-Do-My-Home-Teaching-On-The-30th...If-I-Do-It-At-All?) prefers to personally only broach the subject of alleged criticisms of his beliefs in the most discreetly polite manner possible*, online such tiptoeing quickly turns into an all-out smackdown, a la the mocking of SHIELDS or the sarcasm of Daniel C. Petersen.

*Well-meaning non-member friend: My pastor said something last week about how the Book of Mormon has had all these changes and that it says Jesus was born in Jerusalem and stuff?

Average Mormon: (OK, don't get excited! This is a softball, you can explain this one like it's some simple pop-up book. Oh boy, this is it! I finally get to put all those Gospel Doctrine classes to work! Remember those verses the GA's always use, and....go!)

So, undoubtedly, while it's a furtive fantasy suppressed by the better natures of most Mormons, it's also demonstrably true that they do love knowing how to annihilate anti-Mormon arguments.

Checking Out A TV From The Library to Catch The Big Game

2009-02-01T10:32:00.001-08:00

The life of discipline, righteousness, and self-denial is rigorous, and it can wear down even the most stalwart and die-hard Mormon. To make sure that the spiritual boiler of the soul doesn't blow, it is critical for Mormons to find ways to release steam in slightly mischievious, yet not overtly evil ways. Checking out a TV to catch a big game during their block of meetings is an example of this phenomenon.

This ritual is simple, usually requiring 2-4 co-conspirators. A young men's advisor or other figure in a position of authority checks out a television (usually under the suspicious eye of the librarian) while one or more other men scout for a room not being used by a class/auxilary. After some finagleing and some type of makeshift rabbit years are found to pick up the game, rumors will spread like wildfire throughout other meetings about who is watching the game, and where they are watching it. It is important to keep the game a small gathering, as snowballing numbers may call too much attention to the event, and then the jig will be up.

Observers should understand that Bishops and Stake Presidents are not immune from this behavior, especially if they fit the "fun loving Bishop/Stake President" archetype. Remember, these are the same men that, in their youth, arranged to open the Stake Center on Saturdays when BYU played and used the satellite to pick up the game.

It is also important to note that DVRs have not diminished this behavior, as having been a part of this clandestine endeavor is a coming of age event that young men and slightly rebellious (but not TOO rebellious) leaders are required to take part in at least once in their life. Rabid fans are also cautioned not to pray for their preferred team to win, as this will almost assuredly guarantee a loss for them.

Cheesy Seminary Videos

2009-01-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

Not altogether unlike combat veterans who wax nostalgic about the Spartan conditions they endured in wartime or people who find themselves strangely misty-eyed over memories of childhood deprivation, Mormons likewise have a cultural touchstone that fills the universal need for shared painful experiences upon which they reminisce, shaking their heads at a rite of passage that they look back on with fondness now, but which was agonizing at the time.

Seminary.

Deserving of a whole blog by itself, perhaps the single most salient feature of seminary that prompts weak smiles from some and terrified night sweats in others is that paragon of wince-inducing awkwardness, the seminary video.

And the ultimate wince-inducing seminary video is Johnny Lingo. Ostensibly a metaphor for the power of being valued for who you really are, this old film is legendary for its low production values, poorly forced message, and dialogue that flirts with both racism and sexism. In the great pantheon of bad church videos guaranteed to create groans and eye rolling, Johnny Lingo gets to be Zeus.

FAIL.

Like an irritating burden in life that slowly grows on you, the trauma of seeing this video for the first time ultimately gives way to a friendly familiarity that eventually becomes fun. Some scientists think this is just a variation on the Stockholm effect: our brains tell us to start liking this stuff because dealing with the awful reality of their true nature would just be too painful.

Other seminary videos tortured poor young Latter-day Saints with unbelievably earnest actors striving to convince us that their constipated performances were approximating spiritual experiences. (Sadly, this strategy backfires on teenagers who quickly decide that if that is what being spiritual does to you, they might rather not.)

Case in point, starring a young pre-Dark Knight Aaron Eckhart:

FAIL.

However, it wasn't all gloom and doom for our friends in seminary. No, there was one seminary video that made up for it all...at least for the borderline disturbed boys, which was most of them. Whenever a sleepy seminary teacher rolled that TV into the room, they all crossed their fingers and prayed it was this one. Ladies and gentlemen...Spiritual Crocodiles:

EPIC WIN!

Selling Things Door To Door (For Eight Months After Their Mission)

2009-01-26T20:52:00.000-08:00

Return missionaries are among the strangest, most curious individuals among the Mormons. They are too awkward to have normal conversations with the opposite sex, and too spiritual to be much fun. Because they are living in a spiritual decompression chamber after their missions, many of them turn to bettering their financial situation, and nothing attracts a freshly returned RM quite like the allure of door to door sales.

The capital for the U.S. in door to door sales recruitment is the BYU Provo campus. Many return missionaries have reported reading a sign guaranteeing “20 dollars per sales appointment” on a light post around campus, blacking out, and suddenly finding themselves in a mass interview to sell Cutco Knives, not unlike a “Shanghai Surprise”. For up to 8 months after a mission, slaving away in the Texas heat to sell Living Scriptures dvds or pest control sounds like a novel plan to defer housing costs, buy an engagement ring, or simply have some cash to burn.

Observers of this phenomenon should note that return sister missionaries are rarely lured by the world of door to door sales, as they recognize, unlike their male counterparts, that it was the spirit that taught investigators while on their mission, and not their boyish charm and good looks.

Anyone concerned for the future well-being of an RM during this phase should rest easy, because after either one summer or 8 months in this work (whichever comes first) return missionaries will typically realize that burning through the ward directory to find customers is not nearly as compelling as sharing the gospel, and said RM will settle in to their business, pre-law, or dental tracks in college. Observers will also note that it is at about this time that RMs will log their first missed month of home teaching.

Following Token Mormons On Reality Shows

2009-01-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

Imagine if you will, the most powerful marketing demographic on Earth. While visions of males 18-35 may have momentarily captured your imagination, please consider that while making up roughly only 2 percent of the U.S. population, practically every reality television program since 2001 has had the token Mormon.

Why the trend? While inherently interesting individuals, young Mormons are often homebound, with young families. These young couples lead stable and balanced lives for their kids, which, while good for society, can take a toll on their spirit of adventure. Fortunately reality television has stepped in to fill a very important voyeuristic fantasy for practically every young Mormon; to travel the world, meet interesting people, clear up common misconceptions about Mormonism, and build bridges of understanding with the secular world, all while the cameras are rolling

Mormon reality TV celebrities needn’t possess inherently interesting personalities. The only pre-requisite is that they behave as though they were Lindsay Lohan’s polar opposite, declare their affiliation with the church, and be reasonably photogenic. This phenomenon has yielded such Mormon reality TV stars as Carmen Rasmussen, who can still be counted on for a serviceable rendition of the national anthem at BYU’s Stadium of Fire, or to make a special appearance at new Hogi Yogi locations along the Wasatch front, and Benji Schwimmer, an RM who won a season of Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance, no doubt from developing his talents through endless road shows, talent shows, and Family Home Evening activities. Survivor has been fertile ground for the Mormarazzi, yielding both popular (Neleh Dennis, the quirky and nauseatingly peppy pixie who went on to be a news correspondent in Utah) and infamous (Todd Herzog, the gay Mormon flight attendant with a penchant for coffee) contestants. MTV’s The Real World has also seen it’s share of Mormons. The latest? Chet, the edgy but not too edgy punk rocker, who “despite his tight jeans and affinity for neon clothing…is one of 10 children in a strict Mormon family.” Mormon super stardom is almost certainly guaranteed for this purple capri pants wearing young man.

This phenomenon is so prominent that there is actually a sub category for Mormon American Idol celebrities, where Mormons, once advised on who the current year’s Mormon contestants are, will whole-heartedly throw their support behind them, regardless of talent. Carmen Rasmussen’s goatish vibrato was fueled by Saints with cellulars, even after she did everything short of saying “Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop voting for me, I cannot take the abuse from the judges anymore!” Add to that the excitement of possibly running into her at a Happy Valley Olive Garden on any given night, and you had a bonafide Mormon reality superstar. Remember, Jon Peter Lewis, the guy with the quirky dance? In treating the camera like a 19 year old BYU undergrad with his Mormon on a date antics, phone lines across Utah lit up brighter than Mickey Roarke in a Tijuana pharmacy during his time on the show. So pronounced is this trend that last year’s season of Idol yielded two Mormon contestants; the talented one with the crazy dad who lived in a perennial 1955 musical universe that almost won, and the other one, Brooke White.

Going beyond reality TV, another pop culture pastime Mormons participate in is “Will they or won’t they return to activity”, a fun exercise in which Mormons track the spiritual well-being of prominent Jack Mormons who are members of the church in name only. Currently, the best known Mormon for use in this informal game is Grey’s Anatomy’s Catherine Heigl, who has stated in interviews that one day she might consider returning to full activity, but is just having too much fun currently to be bothered with eternal salvation.

Sounds like a reality show in the making.

Quoting Webster’s Dictionary to Begin Sacrament Talks

2009-01-12T15:10:00.000-08:00

Quick, how many books are included in the Standard Works? You probably mentioned the obvious four; Bible, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine and Covenants, and The Book Of Mormon. Did you forget, however, the fifth apocryphal book and possibly most quoted of all?

Webster’s Dictionary

It has been estimated that every Sunday during sacrament services around the world, nearly 1,744 talks begin with the words “Webster’s (college, unabridged, new world) Dictionary defines (righteousness, charity, purity, etc.) as…”. For the interested observer, it is an important tenet of Mormon culture that those who give talks in Sacrament Meeting start out with the basic premise that their audience has achieved no higher than a fifth grade education, and has never once paid attention in all their years of Sunday School.

The inclusion of this perfunctory introduction to 75.2% of all talks given (even sometimes, those given in Primary) is several fold. First, and possibly most important, is the fact that this takes up time. In preparing talks, the most important aspect is not necessarily spiritual edification, but rather to make sure that one has plenty to say in their allotted time. There is no idea in the LDS church, not even Outer Darkness, which is more horrifying than running out of things to say during a Sacrament talk or leaving the following speaker with too much time. A dramatic reading of this introduction can take 2-3 minutes, with opening anecdotes, chit chat, and the speaker’s own reflection on what the definition means.

This ritual also follows the tried and true format for Sacrament talks by staying true to the LDS hierarchy of sources, which is as follows:

Webster’s Dictionary
Bible Dictionary
Topical Guide/Scripture
Conference Talks
Ensign/New Era/Friend articles (depending on need)
Personal Experiences
A friend’s experiences
Something that probably happened to someone, somewhere (see future entry for Paul H. Dunn)
What happened at Girl’s Camp/Scout camp for youth speakers

Finally, this format offers great comfort to the intended audience as well. Once the recitation of the definition begins, members of the congregation can settle in for some nice, non-threatening, non-apostate doctrine while they play on their PDAs, wrangle children, fall asleep while appearing awake, or occasionally, paying attention and learning something.

Ridiculously Large Extended Family Portraits

2009-01-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

There are a handful of items absolutely required by the norms of Mormon society to be included in the decor of LDS homes, especially the homes of the elderly. Perhaps no single item, however, is more sacrosanct than the ridiculously large extended family portrait. Usually taken during a family reunion, these pictures tend to be displayed in the homes of people over 60, showing off their sprawling progeny.

An unwritten rule of this older generation is: He who dies with the most people in one of these pictures, wins. Forget impressing the Guinness Book of World Records, the typical LDS great grandparent (read: any Mormon over 49) just wants to be able to hang one of these gaudy monstrosities over the fireplace.

It's not out of the ordinary for one of these extended family photos to include upwards of a hundred people, half of whom are children under ten, most of whom will be pouting under the weight of their parents' dire threats of bodily harm should their tomfoolery screw up this sweet memory for grandpa, whose 50th anniversary/80th birthday/senile whim they've put their lives on hold to humor for the series of dozens of painfully awkward shots necessary to get the above-mentioned minor children to all smile at the same time for.

But such masochistic rituals are not without their rewards for the younger generations. The children who so ruefully suffered those gruelling picture sessions will then be able to show off the finished photo to their own friends as proof of another peculiarity that Mormons like: having aunts and uncles who are younger than they are.

Church Ball

2009-01-07T14:40:00.000-08:00

While John McCain is widely known for his opposition to mixed martial arts as "human cockfighting", many have repeated this quote taking it out of context. When the quote's full text is examined, he used MMA to underscore what he believed to be an even greater moral menace:

"While the lawlessness of MMA is a dangerous and brutal exercise, there is one sport, more vicious and cold-blooded, that takes place in Mormon meetinghouses across this great nation of ours. I speak, of course, of LDS Church Basketball."

-John McCain, Senate floor, June 12, 1989

Church basketball, or the war that begins with a prayer as it is known on novelty LDS themed t-shirts, is a gut wrenching, bone crushing exercise, in which staid, kind hearted, good natured men turn into bloodthirsty creatures with a taste for human flesh and Stake Championships. Friends become enemies, and enemies become ultra enemies in the first and only church sanctioned bloodsport.

Ever wanted to hear a Bishop swear? Drop by the Stake Center on the right night, and an errant elbow or perceived dirty play will help that dream become a reality. Ever thought that you might see two members of opposing Elders Quorums throw down? If you attend enough church ball, it is a statistical certainty that you will be a witness to just that. While many prefer college basketball to pro ball because of the heart exhibited, nothing can compare to the level of intensity of church ball, where every game is played with the wild intensity of a pack of meth addicted spider monkeys in game 7 of the NBA Finals. If you believed Mormon pioneers to be the posterchildren for persecution, you have never been witness to the brutal tongue-lashings volunteer Stake referees endure in the name of "good clean recreation".

Deep down, every Mormon male believes he is the undiscovered John Stockton, the longtime Utah Jazz mainstay. The typical M.O. of said player is tough, gritty, savvy, and above all, dirty. The danger of church ball is that, while few of these players are as tough, gritty, or savvy as they percieve themselves to be, just about ALL of them are dirty.

What level of importance does church ball occupy in the psyche of the LDS man? The "Cultural Hall", which those in the know will recognize as Mormon code for "Basketball court", has been the centerpiece of LDS meetinghouses for sometime. And as designs for these buildings have become smaller and more spartan, what feature of the cultural hall has disappeared? The stage; the only part of the cultural hall, with any culture.

While technically there is no official, acknowledged list of "most important people" in any given ward, there is an unspoken hierarchy of individuals who are revered; The Bishop and Bishopric, the Relief Society and Elders Quorum President, and the guy with the keys to the chapel who opens it for late night/early morning church ball.

Generally, friendships can be rekindled and bones do mend, but a black eye or broken pair of glasses on a Wednesday morning are the tell tale signs of church ball filled Tuesday night.

9am Block Meeting Schedule

2009-01-03T21:54:00.000-08:00

While the New Year brings out the Martinelli's Sparkling Cider and resolutions, possibly the most important change for Mormons throughout the world is one that rocks the foundations of their weekly schedules to its core. For some, it will determine their level of activity for the 365 days to come. In the late fall, Latter Day Saints wait in breathless anticipation of the coming year's block schedule announcement. Mormons utter some of their most fervent prayers to win the scheduling lottery, specifically, one magical time. We speak, of course, of the 9am block meeting schedule.

Faithful Latter Day Saints enjoy cohesion and order in their religion, and barring the exotic scheduling of low LDS population densities back east, and the high LDS population densities in Utah, if you are Mormon, you go to church at either 9am, 11am, or 1pm. While there is some room for debate in terms of personal or family taste, the 9am block schedule remains the most popular time for Saints to gather to worship. This largely is based on the unofficial family rule that piety and spiritual activities should be observed at least until after church. With the 9am schedule, piety and spirituality are squeezed in between bowls of Cap'n Crunch and Lucky Charms and the whirlwind rush to prepare 4-9 small children for church. After a refreshing dose of spiritual nurturing at church, happy families rush home in time to catch the next showing of RV starring Robin Williams on TBS, or even an entire NFL game in the afternoon. Those unfortunate souls who must endure until 1pm struggle to find nourishment beyond a marathon of Living Scriptures VHS tapes, re-runs of Veggie Tales, and a healthy dose of old EFY or Kenneth Cope albums.

The unofficial ending point of most fasts on fast sunday? Ask the average Saint, and they'll tell you enthusiastically "Why, after church of course!" Enthusiastically, that is, unless they have to endure the crucible of fasting until 4:00pm. The 9am block offers a snack size bit of fasting for faithful Saints, the 1pm block, a gruelling test, likely to actually yield spiritual benefits.

The 9am block also has other benefits. For example, at that early hour, it is almost expected that families with small children will arrive 5-10 minutes late, MST, or Mormon Standard Time. At the 1pm block, those same families will still arrive 5-10 minutes late, the difference being the occasional chastisement they will recieve from the bishopric. "We encourage our ward members," the bishop will say "to try to arrive at our meetings on time. It's not as though we are meeting during the 9am block."

Adapting Popular Things In A "Mormon" Version

2009-01-02T20:47:00.000-08:00

This isn't just about a neck tie with little Angel Moroni figures on it, or an R-rated movie with all the naughty bits erased. We're talking about the tendency among Latter-day Saints to sniff out a catchy trend in the mainstream and then adjust some minor aspect of it to include a token reference to something recognizable to Mormons, then selling it as an entirely new product.

The most egregious example here might originate with the wildly successful board game Settlers of Catan. This pastime features a very uniquely-shaped board with detailed elements of role-playing strategy involved. Some enterprising individual took this concept, changed the name "Catan" to "Zarahemla" (a location in the Book of Mormon), and now succesfully markets it as a seperate game.

Mormons have become the Japan of the pop culture world. Just about anything that enters American consciousness will quickly find itself tweaked, rebranded, and sold at a 15% mark up at Deseret Book.

Everybody putting decals on their car windows showing off where they're from? Well, we'll show them: our mini vans will sport doppleganger decals with creepy "RULDS2?" logos! "Livestrong" rubber bracelets making it big? Rest assured: vaguely Mormon knock-offs followed by the truckload. Harry Potter got you envious for a parallel series with LDS tones? Don't worry, it's been done.

At least this fad won't get desperate and start producing stuff like a Mormon-themed Where's Waldo? Oh, wait...

Coming soon to a church book store near you...iBoM, Hannah Utah, and Church Basketball for Wii Sports (license pending).

Asking Members Of The Opposite Sex Out In Very Complex, Often Stalker-ish, Yet Goofy Ways

2008-12-31T11:12:00.000-08:00

The Mormon rites of courtship are instilled in the youth of the church at a very young age. Timeless lessons of chivalry are taught during Family Home Evenings, as are occasional lessons on the proper use of salad forks. The official timeline for Mormon courtship rights is as follows:

Age 5-12ish: The Cootie Years

Age 10-15ish: Members of the opposite sex become intriguing/frightening. Some interest begins. At this time, parents reinforce that there will be NO dating until age 16.

Age 10-15ish: Tweens and teens ignore parental guidance and carry out secret courtships without the luxury of dating, believing no rules are being broken since they just "hang out".

Age 16: Secret romances florish into official romances. Dating (in groups!) officially begins. Mormon dating practices are a boon to Chain Restaurants such as Olive Garden and Applebee's (please see Chain Restaurants post).

Age 18 (boys): Pre-mission years. Guys start to amass huge address books in the hope that 12 out of the 28 girls they are dating will write them on their mission. By age 19, this list will have dwindled to approximately 5-6. By the end of their missions, the one girl that has continued to write them will either be married or dump them shortly after their homecoming.

Age 18 (girls): Officially on the market for return missionaries.

Age 20-24: Prime marriage years. Please note, in many cases, young marrieds may have 2-5 children by the end of the Mormon prime.

Age 30: Older singles wards. While the secular world would have you believe that this is the marriage prime, Mormons, in general, consider this the point of no return. Hopeful women and men too self absorbed in their own comfortable way of life perform an awkward and chaotic over 30 dance in the hopes of finding someone good enough to settle in with for a comfortable eternal marriage.

While there are some nuances and exceptions to the Mormon dating timeline as previously outlined, what will never change (until approximately age 25 until past the point of no return) is the strange and sometimes horrifyingly stalker-ish ways in which Mormons will ask each other out on dates.

There are several important reasons for the pageantry associated with the complex invitations extended by Mormons, but this depends on the social standings of the two people involved in the transaction. For example, a popular boy asking a popular girl by filling her room to the waist with balloons, each containing a separate puzzle piece to solve the mystery of who asked her to what, only confirms what knowing observers already surmised; the young man is well versed in LDS etiquette, and his attention to detail and creativity mean that, after his mission, he would be a fine match for the popular lass.

There is, however, a seemier side to the stalker invites of Mormondom; social jumping. You see, an unpopular and socially awkward young man with bad acne can score a super hot Mia Maid or Laurel by simply executing an amazing stalker invite, such as cutting out multi-colored hearts on construction paper, pasting them to popcicle sticks, sticking them in the front lawn of the victim's home, and making sure that the parents are well aware of it. The parent is the key in this power play, as they will either 1) be oblivious to the social standing of the asker and force their daughter to date them, assuming them to be reasonably acceptable dating material because of their creativity and willingness to go to such great lengths for their daughter, or 2) be completely aware of the asker's social standing and force their daughter to go on a date with them, believing that it will be a character building experience, countable as service hours for their Young Women's medallion, a potential anecdote to be used in future testimony baring, or all of the above. This phenomenon has been well chronicled in "Napoleon Dynamite", as Napoleon draws a picture of his unwitting victim, essentially forcing the parent's hand.

Girls who wish to ask boys out are required to go to the same lengths. The same goofy stalker rules apply to them, and they may use this tactic to ask a boy out on a date other than the 2-3 socially acceptable times during the academic year of Preference, Girl's Reverse, and Sadie Hawkins. The only difference between the guys and girls is that guys have been known to occasionally say no.

Martinelli's Sparkling Cider

2008-12-28T20:14:00.000-08:00

During the holiday season, it is important to be well versed in the traditions and customs of Mormons, as you will likely be invited to at least one Mormon social gathering. During the holiday season, Mormons suffer from one problem in particular; the need to feel classy at social gatherings without being able to drink alcohol. What is a Latter Day Saint in good standing to do to commemorate the passing of another year or a wedding anniversary?

How about a toast with Martinelli's Sparkling Cider?

You can tell that Martinelli's is classy because it is topped in foil, has a sophisticated gold seal, cannot be opened without a bottle opener, was established in 1868 (unlike other faux champaigne sparkling beverages) and because it costs roughly 3.5 times as much as a bottle of Sprite. Fortunately for the thrifty Saint, Martinelli's does go on special frequently. In fact, the discerning Mormon consumer can, at certain times, pick up the Costco four pack, to take care of New Years, their Anniversary, Thanksgiving dinner, and one "wild card" bottle for the unanticipated event, or to drink privately, alone, the same way an alcoholic might.

Martinelli's, unlike Meier's, Kristian Regale, or heaven forbid Welch's (the Mormon cider snob's kicking post, much like Ernest and Julio Gallo for wine drinkers), has won myriad awards, including the Sacramento (1890), San Francisco (1894), Atlanta (1895), Buffalo (1901), Seattle (1909), and San Francisco again (1914). While one may surmise that there is a super sparkling cider out there that has been hogging the glory in the 94 years since Martinelli's has been absent from the sparkling cider awards circuit, those ciders are not on sale at Smith's, Albertson's, Von's, or Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market.

You will note that in spite of not drinking alcohol, most Mormon's have, at least, two wine glasses that will be used 2-5 times a year for these classy cider sipping events. If a Mormon is too worried about the appearance of evil in keeping wine glasses, plastic wine glasses can be had for a small price, but this is a decidedly less classy move.

Deceptive Marketing Tactics

2008-12-28T19:27:00.000-08:00

As evinced by the suspicious labels used at the bottom of this post. Sorry, folks, but all's fair in love and artificially inflating your hit counter's statistics with facetious search engine-friendly keywords.

Showing Off Names Of Mormon Celebrities

2008-12-26T14:51:00.000-08:00

So you want to break the ice and start chatting up a nearby Mormon? Easy. Just start showing off your knowledge of famous people who happen to be LDS, and you're guaranteed to spark more interest than if you'd just announced you were giving away stacks of C-notes.

"Dude, that chick on Grey's Anatomy. Also, the one from the movie Enchanted."

"Really?" your new-found sounding board salivates. "That is so awesome! Who else?" they'll then breathlessly query, eager to add new names to their own collection.

With that in mind, remember that you want to wow them with newer names, not the same old standbys that everybody and their mom knows about already. Dropping Steve Young's name just isn't very impressive.

Why are Mormons like this? Theories abound. Perhaps the communion of those accepted in the mainstream helps them feel a little less peculiar. Maybe it reinforces their belief that the faith will fill the whole world. Or maybe they're just as addicted to vapid celebrity worship as all the other paparazzi-fodder out there.

Though a celebrity needn't be active in the faith to establish your credibility and forge lasting bonds with members of the Mormon community, it helps. Especially if your name has an interesting conversion story to go with it.

"Dude, Rick Shroder."

"Who?"

"That kid from Silver Spoons. He was on NYPD Blue."

Another caution: Be sure to gauge your audience's age and cultural literacy before name dropping. While your grandparents would be most fascinated to hear about Gladys Knight, it won't carry much weight with that kid on a skateboard. Better try Brandon Flowers from The Killers on that guy.

Perhaps the ultimate way to score points in this game is to feign confusion and, much like on a first date, get your new acquaintance to open up about their Famous Mormon trivia.

"So, like, what's the deal with Steve Martin. I mean, is he or isn't he?" Speculating about potentially Mormon celebrities is even more popular than speculating about controversial doctrines. Yes, apocryphal celebrities are just as good as one who actually are Mormon. Especially if you know about their encounters with the LDS Church early in life, which never took root.

"Dude, Roseanne. I'm totally serious."

"Wow!"

Consider this entry a foreign language phrase book, without all the dumb ordering-in-a-restaurant stuff. With little more than these names, you could while away an entire weekend in Utah, conversing freely with the locals, and blend right in.

Cute And Homey Vinyl Lettering

2008-12-22T15:21:00.000-08:00

“My house is a house of order, saith the Lord God.”(D&C 132:18)

This proclamation is one that Mormons have taken very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that now, they have categorized and labeled most rooms of their house using cute and homey vinyl lettering. Once reserved for deli windows and store fronts, the pioneering Mormon has boldly reserved the right to use vinyl lettering to convey a certain “Mormon fung shui chic”. Afraid to leave to the imagination or dangerous speculation the function of a room, or the types of feelings one should feel in said living spaces, vinyl lettering now gently coaxes individuals towards the appropriate function and feelings associated with all areas of the home.

Let us begin on a virtual tour of the cutely designed home adorned with vinyl lettering. Step inside and look towards the mantel above the Pottery Barn perfect fireplace. If there was any doubt before, the reason for the existence of the Mormon abode that you are currently visiting, and all those that reside therein, is “Because Two People Fell In Love”. It is requisite that there be a tasteful shrine to all of the namesake couple’s progeny radiating around a tasteful, if somewhat dated, wedding photo of those blissful lovers.

Turn around and have a look above the door. If there is any doubt as to what you should do whenever you leave that abode, there is a gentle reminder, just above the doorway, to “Return with Honor”, or, alternately, “Remember Who You Are”. Of course, when you return, you may recall, through an ornately decorated home craft (which, incidentally, should be coordinated to the appropriate season) adorning the door, that “Home is where the heart is”.

What is the appropriate behavior while in the vicinity of the kitchen area? Simple. “Kiss the cook”. If there is a fear that that particular admonition may be taken too seriously, or that too much may be expected of a particular meal, perhaps a simple reminder that “I kiss better than I cook” will be more appropriate.

This commandment to have a house of order extends to vehicular transport as well. Stick figures, identifying each family member, ensure that, when you exit the chapel on Sunday, you don’t try to gain entry to the wrong Crimson Toyota Sienna. “Wait a moment, this isn’t Mommy, Daddy, Taylor, Ryan, and Steele’s Sienna! This is Mom, Dad, Braxton, Tracker, Tommy, Becca, and Madison’s Sienna!”. This window decal is usually accompanied by a plastic license plate frame, emphatically enquiring “RULDS2?”. These window decals are also an informal ranking system of familial superiority in Mormon circles.

While nearly any room/vehicle’s mood/function/occupants may be delineated by cutesie vinyl lettering, it is very important to not cross certain lines of good taste. No matter how cute the font, a misplaced “Love Is Spoken Here” stencil above the master bedroom entry way will forever be considered in poor taste.

Especially For Youth

2008-12-17T15:33:00.000-08:00

What would Lollapalooza be like for a Latter Day Saint? There wouldn’t be any drugs or alcohol, Jane’s Addiction would most certainly NOT headline the event, and the extent of lewd and lascivious behavior would be an extremely light dose of NICMO (Non committal make out, please see future post). Participants would be tweens and teens, all dressed like American Eagle catalogue models, cheerily prancing about the campus of BYU like an animated Disney songbird, randomly chanting quaint cheers learned from their youth counselor.

Welcome to the world of EFY.

While not an official pilgrimage for Mormons, few can deny that attendance at EFY is one of the unofficial rites of passage of the Mormon Church. EFY is like a spiritual buffet, a “Choose Your Own Testimony Adventure” if you will, where excited/annoying teens can hear from a broad range of speakers from John Bytheway (“Being a Mormon Teenager is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!”) to former Miss Utahs (“Choosing the one-piece swimsuit may have cost me the pageant, but my integrity and chastity were intact.”).

While the aim of EFY is to ensure that all Mormon teenagers have a testimony of something church related for at least one week, there are several unofficial goals that teens have sought to accomplish since its inception. These include but are not limited to:

Being the “cool kids” that bring their own sound system to listen to Metallica/Disturbed/Slipknot depending on the EFY era attended.

Creating haunted houses in the dorm rooms.

Find a girl/boyfriend for a week to hang out with, write to them for 2 ½ weeks afterward, have a tearful goodbye, then forget about them.

Request racy music at the nightly dances and have it played.

Make fun of everyone who cries at the final testimony meeting.

It should be noted that, while countless teens have tried, no teenager, no matter how jaded, has ever been able to make it through the final testimony meeting, a.k.a. “The Gauntlet”, without being touched by the testimony of at least one unfortunate individual whose harrowing tale of being the outcast from their school/ward brings the house to tears. This culminating moment, when they utter the words, “you guys” dramatic pause, “are the best, and truest friends I’ve ever had.” will inevitably bring the house down, and not a dry eye will be found. Hugs are freely given, and hymns are sung all the way back to the dorms.

Unfortunately, being “cool” at EFY may not translate to a higher social ranking back home. The only way to keep one’s newly discovered testimony and spiritual strength back in the real world is to play “Taking it Home With Me” from the annual EFY soundtrack every day 7-8 times. That, and some prayer, of course.

Mormons Like Blogging About Stuff Mormons Like, Apparently

2008-12-15T07:52:00.000-08:00

Google "stuff white people like" and you'll get the single fountain from which all these knock offs spring. Google "stuff asian people like" and you'll similarly get hits and references to only one main site. In fact, insert the ethnicity or cultural indicator of your choice in that phrase, and the results will cluster around a lone pioneer of documenting the quirks of that category.

But not Mormons. A quick search for "stuff Mormons like" brings up several different blogs, including this one. This shows the alert reader several important things about Mormons: they're perfectly comfortable borrowing ideas from the mainstream, exploiting them for their own purposes and profit, and happy to run a joke into the ground long after it's been drained of all blood by others.

Does the fact that others--many others--have already compiled lists of things that Mormons like dissuade any eager LDS bloggers from proffering their own assortment of wry observations? Will the humorous superiority of one such collection over another factor into which blogs will become the most frequently read? Heavens to Betsy, no. Just as surely as Utah is full of people who still think that "Mormon Rap" is seriously cutting edge satire, fifty years from now the Internet will sprout dozens of new blogs that all start with, "You know what Mormons like? Scrapbooking and funeral potatoes!"

Finding Excuses to Swear Without it Counting as a Sin

2008-12-05T19:48:00.000-08:00

More cathartic than fake swear words (Frick! Freak! Fetch! Dangit! Got dandruff!) is the actual act of saying a swear word. Nothing in Mormon culture, however, matches the sheer ecstasy of being able to say a swear word, and have it not count as a sin.

The Bible is replete with examples of scriptures where tweens and teenagers will giddily giggle as they quote verbatim:

Abide ye here with the ass. (Gen 22:5)

...And the ass turned aside out of the way, and went into the field: and Balaam smote the ass, to turn her into the way. (Num 22:23)

He told us plainly that the asses were found (1 Sam 10:16).

Indeed, some studies have found that up to 17% of trips to the Bible Dictionary by teenagers are to find "that one verse in the Old Testament where they say the word ass", although these statistics are up for debate.

Some other examples of socially acceptable swearing for Mormons are:

Quoting someone else who said it (especially to express shock or outrage that the word was uttered in the first place).

Quoting J. Golden Kimball.

Parents saying something because “We said that back on the farm.” The S word is a prime example of this.

Swearing after age 75.

Saying it really quietly, while no one else is around.

Scaring kids straight (Stake Presidents swearing at their son and his friend after shoplifting is completely sin free).

Parents swearing at kids for bad behavior

While the latter example has not been accepted as full doctrine, it is generally acknowledged among Mormons that there must exist some loophole for parents with respect to their childrens’ behavior.

Criticizing Those Who Criticize

2008-12-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

Countless hours of meticulous research in varied outlets of Mormon socializing have shown that they have a marked tendency to eschew those who judge others, a predilection that is usually voiced in the most stringent tones possible.

“You know what I really hate?” queried Pioneer Forks resident and local Primary teacher Charmaine LaValle Christensen. “All those horrible people who hate others. It’s like they don’t even understand that we’re supposed to improve ourselves instead of tearing others down. People like that just make me so sick.”

Similar sentiments were overheard in a recent Gospel Doctrine class held in the Superior Humility Ward. After teacher Donald LaRue pontificated on the scriptures’ condemnation of those who indulge in gossiping and other such vocal vices, he opened the floor to comments from those who wished to join him in condemning such unfortunate apostates. There was a hearty response.

“The thing all those negative people need to learn,” opined a local priesthood leader, “is that they need to be more tolerant of others, and not be so quick to crucify them. Metaphorically, I mean. I guess literally, too.”

“Anyone who labels others is just a hypocrite,” added another faithful church member. “Also, anyone who thinks it’s funny to make fun of other church members. I hope all those uncharitable jerks just go straight to Outer Darkness.”

Loving / Hating Utah

2008-11-24T21:46:00.000-08:00

There are many vicious divisions in our world--Red state vs. Blue state, pro-this vs. anti-that, Kirk vs. Picard--but the Latter-day Saints live with a great chasm separating them from each other far more polarizing than any difference based on race or income. It's their ultimate skeleton in the closet, their elephant in the room, and it threatens to rend asunder the very fabric of their community.

Mormons from Utah and Mormons from everywhere else in the world will forever share a religion, but quietly harbor deeply contrary opinions about the Beehive State.

Mormons from Utah actually base their lives on Utah: it's like the hidden 14th Article of Faith. This elite subset of old-guard members will regale you well into the evening [9:30 -Ed.] with stories of their Scout camps in Utah, their family reunions in Utah, their grandpa's cabin in Utah, their uncle's farm in Utah, etc. Even if said Mormons no longer actually live in Utah, rest assured that they will find excuses to return for visits more often than most of us visit the bathrooms in our own homes.

Carefully observe a casual exchange between two such Utah-based Mormons, and note the secret code words passed between them as signals to each other that they're part of an uber-brotherhood. When one LDS adult male asks another what he's doing for any given holiday, the correct answer is always to nod and laconically state, "We're going back up to Utah."

For a Mormon with Utah roots, the thought of questioning the inherent holiness of that bastion of heritage is tantamount to asking them to consider that the sky is actually orange, which is to say, ridiculous. Utah Mormons might assume that, even as a global church with more members outside the U.S. than within, the level of righteousness in the church is strongest in Northern Utah, with lessening degrees of spirituality radiating out in concentric circles, like a pebble dropped in a pond of worthiness.

Those generations of Latter-day Saints converted, or born and raised, outside the borders of Deseret, however, are more likely to see the great state of Utah with a more jaundiced eye: commercialized, worldly, comfortable, stagnant. Multiple objective surveys demonstrate that the majority of church members without strong ties to Utah will just shake their heads and roll their eyes when a "legacy" member tosses off a reference to yet another profoundly spiritual Utah-based memory about skiing, renting out another real estate property, or duck hunting.

This neutral researcher, however, logs this entry in our study of the Latter-day Saints without taking any position on the controversy.

Self Improvement

2008-11-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

I'd like to perform a quick experiment. Please open your wallet. Is there a temple recommend? Yes? Excellent, now kindly step away from your computer and go to your bookshelf. When you get there, I'd like you to peruse your titles. I'll wait.

Back? What did you find there? Most likely, you found a copy of the standard works, some church history books, your wife's copies of the Twilight books and Harry Potter, and, yes, you saw a copy of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Chances are, you're not sure where you got it, a well meaning family member, a kind hearted bishop, but if you are in fact Mormon, you own a copy of the apocryphal standard work. The 7 Habits are the fifth Beatle of the standard works. If you were not previously aware, as a Mormon, you are required to own this book, and likely a great deal more, because you have a passion for self improvement.

Self improvement goes beyond just wanting to be a good person. As a recommend carrying member, every Mormon has signed on for eternal progression. No lounging about on clouds with harps for you, no, you will be eternally striving for progression, and falling short, because you can always do better. That's right, as good as you are, you're not quite good enough, and if you're living right, you'll never be. Happy eternity to you.

The range of self improvement literature is wide and diverse. The 7 Habits are standard. One may own a copy of Rich Dad Poor Dad or an audiobook of How To Make Friends and Influence People. A perfection seeking Saint has no doubt followed Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life, and may even own a few books (tasteful ones, not sinful) on intimacy in marriage, such as The Act of Marriage. It is imperative to understand that to own one of the following, you had better be married (NOT ENGAGED), and any depictions in the book had better be illustrated, and not more scintillating than instructions for a new sewing machine.

Any card carrying members may embark on their quest to perfect themselves at any public library. This is recommended because thriftiness is one of 50 quadrillion things a Mormon must learn on their never ending, eternal, and ultimately impossible quest for perfection.

Chain Restaurants

2008-11-20T18:00:00.000-08:00

When Mormons go on vacation, and said vacation extends over at least one Sunday, those not on houseboats will go to church. Upon return, they will invariably comment about how even though the accents/language/clothing styles were different in the ward or branch they visited, it was just like their home ward. This is very comforting to Mormons, as they have been subjected over their lives to an unwavering commitment to consistency in gospel teaching and social norms.

Mormons, therefore, are innately drawn to the comforting sameness of chain restaurants. They know, and are comforted in this knowledge, that regardless of the city, state, or even country, an Olive Garden Tour of Italy will be just as buttery, salty, and rich as in their hometown. The girls will all have to wear ties and Frank Sinatra will be piped into the bathroom speakers. Just as all Mormons share the same color of hymnbook, they all enjoy a meal that has been packaged and frozen in a factory setting, then reheated upon demand and delivered by an enthusiastic waiter who will invariably crouch at the end of the table to take their order.

A fun game for Mormons to play while dining in, say, an Applebees or Chilis, is to speculate on whether or not their waiter is also a Mormon. Sure signs of a Mormon waiter is "the glow." Said glow is a guarantee of at least an extra 10% of tip. Mormons are very careful not to overtip wolves in sheep's clothing, or waiters who only pretend to be happy and content for extra tips, when Mormons know that such a thing can only be possible by adherents to their own faith.

Young Mormon youths also depend on chain restaurants in their courtship. There is no better way to ruin a potentially successful dance date than to risk exposing your date to a difficult food choice at a restaurant she's never heard of. Remember that to Mormons, full-formal dress is only acceptable in three places: school dances, chain restaurants, and bowling alleys.

Knowing this information can make an evening out with Mormons a fairly easy affair. Virtually every town will have at least one Mormon-approved chain restaurant that will make the "where do you want to eat?" question a more-or-less simple one. For a comprehensive list of approved eateries, one need only visit Provo, Utah.

Submitted by Matt Howard

thefourthnephite@gmail.com

deskofmisc.blogspot.com

Letters to the Editor, revisited

2008-11-18T18:10:00.000-08:00

The following is submitted as an example of a letter full of righteous indignation. This letter was sent to the Daily Universe, BYU's student paper, 11/18.

We, the students of BYU and members of the Church, face ever growing persecution in the world. Indeed, it would seem that of late the tide has turned, and world opinion is finally firmly turned against us.

Well, there is another threat that has emerged, one so insidious, it is sure to rock the foundation of our beloved church to its core. This menace is a new web site that two hateful individuals have created. I am loathe to even mention its name, but for the sake of knowing who to boycott I will reveal that the site is

Guidetostuffmormonslike.blogspot.com.

These snide observers are content to comment on the foibles and peculiarities of Latter Day Saints. Haven’t we suffered enough? Their intimate knowledge of Mormon culture suggests that these are heretical lunatics, or disgruntled, excommunicated, ex members of our beloved institution.

Please, visit their website, and tell them that we will not tolerate them revealing our deepest secrets! Just think of the mayhem they could cause.

Steve Hendricks
Las Vegas

Hardships and Persecution

2008-11-18T17:38:00.000-08:00

Imagine if you will, a rag tag group of dirt stained individuals, caked with the earth and sweat of the hundreds of miles that they have already trudged. They have navigated unforgiving wilderness, pulling heavy handcarts with only the barest of essentials, as stodgy leaders bark orders to keep going. You might think that this is a camp to rehabilitate chronic drug addicts or lawbreakers, but you would be wrong. This is a Mormon Pioneer Trek re-creation.

And THIS is what Mormons do for fun.

Indeed, weathering hardships and persecution is hard wired into the DNA of Mormons everywhere. Their unspoken mantra of “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of this dispensation” is a credo that provides comfort for Mormons everywhere. This persecution, either real or perceived, will provide any recommend carrying Saint the fuel they need to take on the world.

Most Mormons should have at least one testimony ready tale of persecution ready to go by the second or third year of high school, but for some living particularly sheltered lives, it may come later. This in fact is the reason for the existence of the Youth Conference pioneer trek. Anyone without a tale of hardship may now refer to their own trek experience. Countless testimonies have started with “When I went on our Stake’s Pioneer trek…”

While the pioneer trek is a treasure trove of stories about hard driving leaders, broken wagon wheels, and “having to pull the same handcart as the person that I just broke up with that week”, this is not the only source for classic tales of persecution and hardship. Some other examples include:

Being the only Mormon at a high school somewhere back east.

Having to decline a drink of alcohol at an important business function, in turn risking alienating a boss/potential client.

Having to choose between paying tithing or paying rent in a particular month, choosing tithing, and somehow finding a way to make rent.

Being made fun of for not going to the cool kids party.

It should be noted that while it is important to present these tales with a marked sense of earnestness, it has been noted that nearly every Mormon relishes these opportunities, and wears hardship and persecution like a badge of honor. In fact, were the Mormon church ever to gain widespread admiration and universal acceptance, the energy from the collective pity party could power every blue state in America for 13 months. Would observers expect anything less from a religion that had an extermination order brought against it?

Predictable Blogging

2008-11-15T22:01:00.000-08:00

Latter-day Saints have distinguished themselves far and wide throughout the Internet as bloggers extraordinaire. Despite there being, as of 10 PM this evening, exactly a hundred gazillion blogs by Mormons, they all neatly fall into one of the following six categories:

1. Missionary Blogs. Disappointed with church open houses that tend to be overwhelmingly attended by people who are already members, Latter-day Saints who are enthusiastic about missionary work have started to take their message out into the blogosphere, where their zealous, articulate testimonies are constantly reaching thousands of people who are already members.

2. Family Blogs. These blogs cover an incredible array of topics, running the entire gamut from family pictures and family stories to family memories and family recipes. They do, however, all have the distinction of having far more readers than either of the authors on this blog.

3. Apologetic Blogs. Because the real world problems of contention and scripture bashing just seem to magically disappear when you're posting anonymous comments to total strangers.

4. Intellectual Blogs. Wherein a lively assortment of pretentious personalities try to impress you with how many obscure things they know about church history, thus establishing that their "nuanced" testimonies are much cooler than yours. They may also display contorted posts trying to reconcile worldly trends with gospel principles without actually becoming worldly although they vaguely espouse things that are a bit worldly but technically eschew worldliness by professing piety which is actually kind of unspiritual but then....oooh, I'm getting dizzy.

5. Political Blogs. Although a majority of political blogs by Latter-day Saints harshly castigate anyone who is slightly to the left of a hypothetical clone based on DNA from Glenn Beck, John Galt, and the entire 1964 Republican National Convention, there are surprisingly many which slyly insinuate that a truly faithful church member must somehow be a communistic-type kind of social liberal without, you know, actually being a communist. Some blogs of this second type can also be classified under heading #4.

6. Sarcastic Humor Blogs. A sad, dreary little genre at the bottom of the bloggernacle barrel, Mormon humor blogs tend to be confusing, lame, and never, ever funny. *cough, cough*

Letters to the Editor

2008-11-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints face the challenge of righting the wrongs of a world gone mad with secularism and hedonism. How do they respond to the onslaught of challenges they face?

Through letters to the editor.

Someone trying to take down a 10 Commandments monument in American Fork, Utah?

Letter to the editor.

Enforcement of BYU grooming standards getting a little lax?

Letter to the editor.

The COMPLETE lack of respect today’s youth has for the way things oughtta be?

Letter to the editor.

Indeed, in the Mormon culture, editors are believed to have nearly magical powers, with their vigorous letter reading ability and willingness to publish the opinion of any individual burning with the fire of righteous indignation. These editors, the guardians of public opinion, are seen as a gateway to converting the world to one’s own strong opinion.

Understand, however, that not every Saint must be a letter writer. Second only to voicing a strong opinion about tattoos, body piercings, or Democrats is reading said opinion. It is generally accepted that the Mormon Letters to the Editor Reader has the ability to influence the state of the world through strong agreement with someone else’s outrage. “I completely agree that kids with sagging pants are eroding our nation’s moral fabric!” In this way, believes the Mormon Letter Reader, the world has become one degree better than it was before.

While traditional print media is still en vogue in the older Mormon set, a new breed of LDS letter reader has sprung up in the form of the “important e-mail forwarder”. This individual will inundate your inbox with a variety of important e-mail forwards from a wide range of conservative blogs or news sources outside the mainstream liberal media. To curry favor with these individuals, one should choose one of the 52 e-mails sent in a week to read and comment on in a face to face situation. A comment such as “I felt that your e-mail forward on how water fluoridation is eroding our children’s ability to choose between right and wrong was quite thought provoking,” will either strengthen an already established relationship, or make a friend for life.

While the letter to the editor is rapidly losing ground to the blogosphere, nothing takes care of a redress of grievances quite like appeal to the all knowing, all wise editor.

Testimonies of Random Stuff

2008-11-13T13:28:00.001-08:00

A Mormon fast and testimony meeting is a fascinating study of chaos theory in action. Like lightning or snowflakes, you’ll never see the same thing twice. If you hear a Latter-day Saint testify of a core gospel principle within the first five minutes of their meeting, and that’s what you came for, feel free to stop taking notes then and there: you’ll not hear it come up again.

The astute observer will note that Mormon testimony meetings follow no discernible pattern; they’re a meandering illustration of fractal-like complexity. Odds-makers refrain from betting on the topics of upcoming testimonies not because it’s irreverent, but because such calculations defy all known mathematical algorithms.

One speaker might relate an emotional experience on a church history tour. Choking up, they might then admonish their fellow congregants to avail themselves of such spiritual opportunities. Those tallying their notes on these rituals may well find themselves at a loss for how to categorize what they’d just heard. What, exactly, was this a testimony of? Their church, or the church history tour?

Like a Superbowl beer commercial, the substantive product ostensibly being endorsed—the gospel of Jesus Christ—is only promoted tangentially in the midst of other entertainment, via indirect references in “testimonies” of such disparate items as ward choirs, family reunions, road shows, stake dances, and boldly telling people at work that we don’t drink Coke.

By far the richest ground for digging into the essence of Mormon testimony-bearing is Girls’ Camp. Insinuate yourself into the tribe well enough to blend in at one of these rural ceremonies and you’ll be treated to a smorgasbord of passionate venting about anything and everything from A-Z (except for the Atonement and the Restoration). For example, at a recent Girls’ Camp retreat for the Shady Valley Gated Community Stake, 17-year-old Laurel president Kelsey Ann Lavarnon whipped her peers into a Crucible-like frenzy of spirituality when she poured out her heart about what she said the Spirit had burned into the very fabric of her innermost soul.

“I just really love all you guys so much,” she sputtered between hitching sobs, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “I’ve had so much fun this week and I know it’s what God wants. I know that Girls’ Camp is true.”

Last Names as First Names

2008-11-11T07:47:00.000-08:00

While LDS culture on many levels craves conformity, there is one avenue for Mormons to express individuality; the degree to which they are willing to assign last names as childrens’ first names. This phenomenon stems from the simple fact that Mormons have kids at a steady clip, and it would be frowned upon or seen as uncool in Mormon culture to have 5-7 Steves or Daves in the same ward. Thus, the last frontier was crossed, and they now live in wards with Madisons, Taylors, Reileys, Jacksons, Reeses, Morgans, Peytons, and Haydens populating the nursery and primary.

Because of sheer numbers, it should be noted that many Mormon families must not only adapt last names as first names, but also give an alternate spelling to a last name as a first name. Jackson is a completely acceptable last name as first name, but the coup de gras is an alternate spelling, such as Jaxson. In any ward where two Jacksons reside, the alternate spelling Jaxson is accepted as the more chic and thusly, more desirable version of the name. Many couples will adapt the alternate spelling before another Mormon couple is able to, essentially jumping straight to the “triple dog dare” skipping the single and double dares. Along the same lines, two alternate spelled last names as first names residing in the same ward would be the LDS equivalent to crossing the streams, and an unspoken agreement among Mormons would require one of the families to leave the ward boundaries immediately.

While one would assume that there were enough last names to be unique first names in the world, Mormons have taken this phenomenon one step further. It is completely acceptable in Mormon culture to invent your child’s first name if no satisfactory last names fit the bill. Literary works may also inspire names, and for this reason, interested Mormon name watchers should also note in the next 10-20 years an uptick in the following first names:

Renesmee, Edward, Harry, Hermione, Jacob, Bella, Orson, Arwyn, and Charlie.

Expensive Pictures Of Temples They Don't Go To

2008-10-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

How may one be sure that one has stepped foot past the treshold of a Mormon domicile? There are several tell-tale signs--Cheerios and Froot Loops scattered on the carpet of younger people, immaculate Pottery-Barn model home-looking decor for older folks, for example--but there is one item that every Mormon household appears to be bound by the sacred norms of their tribe to display: there must be a fancy, framed portrait of a temple hanging prominently in plain view.

Ask your Mormon host about it and he'll humbly explain that he worked in that temple once in the 90's, or that's where his grandmother does all of his family history work for him, or that's where he and his wife would like to go visit "when things settle down." Ask him where he got it and he'll proudly tell you that it was a bargain for only $600 at Deseret Book. He'll tell you all about how he found it right next to that stack of thick new books by the Apostles that were on sale for two dollars. Don't ask to see where those are in his house, though. Consistent experience states that such queries tend to create awkward tension.

Some Mormon homes do have books in them, however; clear evidence that conspicuous consumption takes a back seat to spiritual nourishment in this culture. One young Latter-day Saint reported that he intends to procure a copy of Henry David Thoreau's Walden, a classic work promoting simplicity in all aspects of living that figured prominently in the first address of their recent General Conference. "Yeah," said Tad Bryerson of South Wasatch Heights, "I saw this really cool edition on Amazon. It's a deluxe leather-bound copy with golden-gilt pages and it comes with a free digital clock from Sharper Image. Score!"

Research indicates that the primary use of these temple-related visual aids in Mormon homes is to motivate children to make going there themselves a long term goal. Mormon communities strive to steer their young in this direction, towards the ultimate end of being married there--a raucous event not unlike a festival concert, but with better makeup and tailored suits--after which, the married couple will continue to respect their heritage by...purchasing their own portrait of a temple for their home. Unless a parent buys it for them.

Twilight

2008-10-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

Saying that Mormon women love Twilight is akin to saying the sun will rise tomorrow. The only caveat is that Mormon women would want to see the sun rise on their sparkly diamond-skinned vampire lover boy Edward.

The Twilight books provide several outlets for Mormon women. For tweens and teenaged Mormon females, Edward represents the apex of Mormon manhood. He is ridiculously good-looking, chiseled, smart, and resists all of his love Bella’s pre-marital sexual advances. For middle aged Mormon women, he represents all of those same characteristics absent in their husbands, although they have now become the ones resisting their husbands’ post-marital sexual advances.

There is a certain, less quantifiable subset of Mormon women who more closely identify with Jacob, a hot-blooded werewolf who is part of the central love triangle that exists through most of the Twilight books. Members of “Team Jacob” (who can be identified by a shirt with that iron on patch purchased in conjunction with the Special Edition of Eclipse) like his wild and reckless abandon, and fantasize about finding a wild “Jack Mormon” boyfriend that has that certain “Jacob” charm, that they can tame and then possibly dump as soon as he is 8 months into his mission.

Note that many Mormon men have also read Twilight. While they will say that they did it to be sounding boards for their wives or “To see what all the fuss was about”, most of these men enjoyed it, but will never, ever admit to it publicly. You will notice them, however, in the corners of a room, nodding knowingly as their wives debate the minutiae of important plot points of the books.

It should further be noted that in Relief Society reading clubs, it is considered poor taste to choose the Twilight books as the book of the month, as all Mormon women aged 11 to 60 are already expected to have read it.

Making Fun Of Themselves

2008-10-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

Mormons love making fun of themselves. If you want to ingratiate yourself to this culture, you must learn their peculiar jargon and habits. This is not so much so that you can function as a bona fide member of their group, but so that you can join them in one of their favorite pastimes: playfully mocking the aforementioned jargon and habits.

"Hey, Cody, Skylar, and Brent," a young Mormon male is likely to be heard joking to his peers during a lull in their Sunday meetings, their plastic schoolroom chairs having the front two legs tipped back so they can lean coolly against the wall, "we sure do like to eat a lot of funeral potatoes, don't we?" To which his pubescent cohorts will then rejoin, "Dude, no kidding. We're like, the kings of funeral potatoes or something. Huh-huh, funeral potatoes."

This basic ritual of Mormon life will play itself out many times in many settings.

A well institutionalized example of this is the fairly recent phenomenon of Mormon Cinema, in which slapstick comedy predominates. Most of these comedies are not very funny, but as they exist to poke gentle fun at the subculture's quirks, they find a steady and welcome audience.

Case in point: The Singles Ward. This movie was only moderately entertaining, but your average Mormon received it like it was Monty Python and The Holy Grail. Why? Because it made constant reference to silly "Mormon-isms." According to this important anthropological relic, Mormons feel wistful about their tendency to, among other things, carry a pen at all times, resent the pretty girl who gets married after only a month in the ward, and watch other Mormon movies with self-ironic devotion.

Oh, yes, and Mormons also love endlessly ironic metafiction. "Boy howdy, Erastus," a wholly representative Mormon will doubtless say to his friend Mahonri at least once a week, "we sure do like us some of that endlessly ironic metafiction."