Quoting Webster’s Dictionary to Begin Sacrament Talks

Quick, how many books are included in the Standard Works? You probably mentioned the obvious four; Bible, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine and Covenants, and The Book Of Mormon. Did you forget, however, the fifth apocryphal book and possibly most quoted of all?

Webster’s Dictionary

It has been estimated that every Sunday during sacrament services around the world, nearly 1,744 talks begin with the words “Webster’s (college, unabridged, new world) Dictionary defines (righteousness, charity, purity, etc.) as…”. For the interested observer, it is an important tenet of Mormon culture that those who give talks in Sacrament Meeting start out with the basic premise that their audience has achieved no higher than a fifth grade education, and has never once paid attention in all their years of Sunday School.

The inclusion of this perfunctory introduction to 75.2% of all talks given (even sometimes, those given in Primary) is several fold. First, and possibly most important, is the fact that this takes up time. In preparing talks, the most important aspect is not necessarily spiritual edification, but rather to make sure that one has plenty to say in their allotted time. There is no idea in the LDS church, not even Outer Darkness, which is more horrifying than running out of things to say during a Sacrament talk or leaving the following speaker with too much time. A dramatic reading of this introduction can take 2-3 minutes, with opening anecdotes, chit chat, and the speaker’s own reflection on what the definition means.

This ritual also follows the tried and true format for Sacrament talks by staying true to the LDS hierarchy of sources, which is as follows:

Webster’s Dictionary
Bible Dictionary
Topical Guide/Scripture
Conference Talks
Ensign/New Era/Friend articles (depending on need)
Personal Experiences
A friend’s experiences
Something that probably happened to someone, somewhere (see future entry for Paul H. Dunn)
What happened at Girl’s Camp/Scout camp for youth speakers

Finally, this format offers great comfort to the intended audience as well. Once the recitation of the definition begins, members of the congregation can settle in for some nice, non-threatening, non-apostate doctrine while they play on their PDAs, wrangle children, fall asleep while appearing awake, or occasionally, paying attention and learning something.

Church Ball

While John McCain is widely known for his opposition to mixed martial arts as "human cockfighting", many have repeated this quote taking it out of context. When the quote's full text is examined, he used MMA to underscore what he believed to be an even greater moral menace:

"While the lawlessness of MMA is a dangerous and brutal exercise, there is one sport, more vicious and cold-blooded, that takes place in Mormon meetinghouses across this great nation of ours. I speak, of course, of LDS Church Basketball."

-John McCain, Senate floor, June 12, 1989

Church basketball, or the war that begins with a prayer as it is known on novelty LDS themed t-shirts, is a gut wrenching, bone crushing exercise, in which staid, kind hearted, good natured men turn into bloodthirsty creatures with a taste for human flesh and Stake Championships. Friends become enemies, and enemies become ultra enemies in the first and only church sanctioned bloodsport.

Ever wanted to hear a Bishop swear? Drop by the Stake Center on the right night, and an errant elbow or perceived dirty play will help that dream become a reality. Ever thought that you might see two members of opposing Elders Quorums throw down? If you attend enough church ball, it is a statistical certainty that you will be a witness to just that. While many prefer college basketball to pro ball because of the heart exhibited, nothing can compare to the level of intensity of church ball, where every game is played with the wild intensity of a pack of meth addicted spider monkeys in game 7 of the NBA Finals. If you believed Mormon pioneers to be the posterchildren for persecution, you have never been witness to the brutal tongue-lashings volunteer Stake referees endure in the name of "good clean recreation".

Deep down, every Mormon male believes he is the undiscovered John Stockton, the longtime Utah Jazz mainstay. The typical M.O. of said player is tough, gritty, savvy, and above all, dirty. The danger of church ball is that, while few of these players are as tough, gritty, or savvy as they percieve themselves to be, just about ALL of them are dirty.

What level of importance does church ball occupy in the psyche of the LDS man? The "Cultural Hall", which those in the know will recognize as Mormon code for "Basketball court", has been the centerpiece of LDS meetinghouses for sometime. And as designs for these buildings have become smaller and more spartan, what feature of the cultural hall has disappeared? The stage; the only part of the cultural hall, with any culture.

While technically there is no official, acknowledged list of "most important people" in any given ward, there is an unspoken hierarchy of individuals who are revered; The Bishop and Bishopric, the Relief Society and Elders Quorum President, and the guy with the keys to the chapel who opens it for late night/early morning church ball.

Generally, friendships can be rekindled and bones do mend, but a black eye or broken pair of glasses on a Wednesday morning are the tell tale signs of church ball filled Tuesday night.