Checking Out A TV From The Library to Catch The Big Game

The life of discipline, righteousness, and self-denial is rigorous, and it can wear down even the most stalwart and die-hard Mormon. To make sure that the spiritual boiler of the soul doesn't blow, it is critical for Mormons to find ways to release steam in slightly mischievious, yet not overtly evil ways. Checking out a TV to catch a big game during their block of meetings is an example of this phenomenon.

This ritual is simple, usually requiring 2-4 co-conspirators. A young men's advisor or other figure in a position of authority checks out a television (usually under the suspicious eye of the librarian) while one or more other men scout for a room not being used by a class/auxilary. After some finagleing and some type of makeshift rabbit years are found to pick up the game, rumors will spread like wildfire throughout other meetings about who is watching the game, and where they are watching it. It is important to keep the game a small gathering, as snowballing numbers may call too much attention to the event, and then the jig will be up.

Observers should understand that Bishops and Stake Presidents are not immune from this behavior, especially if they fit the "fun loving Bishop/Stake President" archetype. Remember, these are the same men that, in their youth, arranged to open the Stake Center on Saturdays when BYU played and used the satellite to pick up the game.

It is also important to note that DVRs have not diminished this behavior, as having been a part of this clandestine endeavor is a coming of age event that young men and slightly rebellious (but not TOO rebellious) leaders are required to take part in at least once in their life. Rabid fans are also cautioned not to pray for their preferred team to win, as this will almost assuredly guarantee a loss for them.

Following Token Mormons On Reality Shows

Imagine if you will, the most powerful marketing demographic on Earth. While visions of males 18-35 may have momentarily captured your imagination, please consider that while making up roughly only 2 percent of the U.S. population, practically every reality television program since 2001 has had the token Mormon.

Why the trend? While inherently interesting individuals, young Mormons are often homebound, with young families. These young couples lead stable and balanced lives for their kids, which, while good for society, can take a toll on their spirit of adventure. Fortunately reality television has stepped in to fill a very important voyeuristic fantasy for practically every young Mormon; to travel the world, meet interesting people, clear up common misconceptions about Mormonism, and build bridges of understanding with the secular world, all while the cameras are rolling

Mormon reality TV celebrities needn’t possess inherently interesting personalities. The only pre-requisite is that they behave as though they were Lindsay Lohan’s polar opposite, declare their affiliation with the church, and be reasonably photogenic. This phenomenon has yielded such Mormon reality TV stars as Carmen Rasmussen, who can still be counted on for a serviceable rendition of the national anthem at BYU’s Stadium of Fire, or to make a special appearance at new Hogi Yogi locations along the Wasatch front, and Benji Schwimmer, an RM who won a season of Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance, no doubt from developing his talents through endless road shows, talent shows, and Family Home Evening activities. Survivor has been fertile ground for the Mormarazzi, yielding both popular (Neleh Dennis, the quirky and nauseatingly peppy pixie who went on to be a news correspondent in Utah) and infamous (Todd Herzog, the gay Mormon flight attendant with a penchant for coffee) contestants. MTV’s The Real World has also seen it’s share of Mormons. The latest? Chet, the edgy but not too edgy punk rocker, who “despite his tight jeans and affinity for neon clothing…is one of 10 children in a strict Mormon family.” Mormon super stardom is almost certainly guaranteed for this purple capri pants wearing young man.

This phenomenon is so prominent that there is actually a sub category for Mormon American Idol celebrities, where Mormons, once advised on who the current year’s Mormon contestants are, will whole-heartedly throw their support behind them, regardless of talent. Carmen Rasmussen’s goatish vibrato was fueled by Saints with cellulars, even after she did everything short of saying “Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop voting for me, I cannot take the abuse from the judges anymore!” Add to that the excitement of possibly running into her at a Happy Valley Olive Garden on any given night, and you had a bonafide Mormon reality superstar. Remember, Jon Peter Lewis, the guy with the quirky dance? In treating the camera like a 19 year old BYU undergrad with his Mormon on a date antics, phone lines across Utah lit up brighter than Mickey Roarke in a Tijuana pharmacy during his time on the show. So pronounced is this trend that last year’s season of Idol yielded two Mormon contestants; the talented one with the crazy dad who lived in a perennial 1955 musical universe that almost won, and the other one, Brooke White.

Going beyond reality TV, another pop culture pastime Mormons participate in is “Will they or won’t they return to activity”, a fun exercise in which Mormons track the spiritual well-being of prominent Jack Mormons who are members of the church in name only. Currently, the best known Mormon for use in this informal game is Grey’s Anatomy’s Catherine Heigl, who has stated in interviews that one day she might consider returning to full activity, but is just having too much fun currently to be bothered with eternal salvation.

Sounds like a reality show in the making.

Quoting Webster’s Dictionary to Begin Sacrament Talks

Quick, how many books are included in the Standard Works? You probably mentioned the obvious four; Bible, Pearl of Great Price, Doctrine and Covenants, and The Book Of Mormon. Did you forget, however, the fifth apocryphal book and possibly most quoted of all?

Webster’s Dictionary

It has been estimated that every Sunday during sacrament services around the world, nearly 1,744 talks begin with the words “Webster’s (college, unabridged, new world) Dictionary defines (righteousness, charity, purity, etc.) as…”. For the interested observer, it is an important tenet of Mormon culture that those who give talks in Sacrament Meeting start out with the basic premise that their audience has achieved no higher than a fifth grade education, and has never once paid attention in all their years of Sunday School.

The inclusion of this perfunctory introduction to 75.2% of all talks given (even sometimes, those given in Primary) is several fold. First, and possibly most important, is the fact that this takes up time. In preparing talks, the most important aspect is not necessarily spiritual edification, but rather to make sure that one has plenty to say in their allotted time. There is no idea in the LDS church, not even Outer Darkness, which is more horrifying than running out of things to say during a Sacrament talk or leaving the following speaker with too much time. A dramatic reading of this introduction can take 2-3 minutes, with opening anecdotes, chit chat, and the speaker’s own reflection on what the definition means.

This ritual also follows the tried and true format for Sacrament talks by staying true to the LDS hierarchy of sources, which is as follows:

Webster’s Dictionary
Bible Dictionary
Topical Guide/Scripture
Conference Talks
Ensign/New Era/Friend articles (depending on need)
Personal Experiences
A friend’s experiences
Something that probably happened to someone, somewhere (see future entry for Paul H. Dunn)
What happened at Girl’s Camp/Scout camp for youth speakers

Finally, this format offers great comfort to the intended audience as well. Once the recitation of the definition begins, members of the congregation can settle in for some nice, non-threatening, non-apostate doctrine while they play on their PDAs, wrangle children, fall asleep while appearing awake, or occasionally, paying attention and learning something.

Church Ball

While John McCain is widely known for his opposition to mixed martial arts as "human cockfighting", many have repeated this quote taking it out of context. When the quote's full text is examined, he used MMA to underscore what he believed to be an even greater moral menace:

"While the lawlessness of MMA is a dangerous and brutal exercise, there is one sport, more vicious and cold-blooded, that takes place in Mormon meetinghouses across this great nation of ours. I speak, of course, of LDS Church Basketball."

-John McCain, Senate floor, June 12, 1989

Church basketball, or the war that begins with a prayer as it is known on novelty LDS themed t-shirts, is a gut wrenching, bone crushing exercise, in which staid, kind hearted, good natured men turn into bloodthirsty creatures with a taste for human flesh and Stake Championships. Friends become enemies, and enemies become ultra enemies in the first and only church sanctioned bloodsport.

Ever wanted to hear a Bishop swear? Drop by the Stake Center on the right night, and an errant elbow or perceived dirty play will help that dream become a reality. Ever thought that you might see two members of opposing Elders Quorums throw down? If you attend enough church ball, it is a statistical certainty that you will be a witness to just that. While many prefer college basketball to pro ball because of the heart exhibited, nothing can compare to the level of intensity of church ball, where every game is played with the wild intensity of a pack of meth addicted spider monkeys in game 7 of the NBA Finals. If you believed Mormon pioneers to be the posterchildren for persecution, you have never been witness to the brutal tongue-lashings volunteer Stake referees endure in the name of "good clean recreation".

Deep down, every Mormon male believes he is the undiscovered John Stockton, the longtime Utah Jazz mainstay. The typical M.O. of said player is tough, gritty, savvy, and above all, dirty. The danger of church ball is that, while few of these players are as tough, gritty, or savvy as they percieve themselves to be, just about ALL of them are dirty.

What level of importance does church ball occupy in the psyche of the LDS man? The "Cultural Hall", which those in the know will recognize as Mormon code for "Basketball court", has been the centerpiece of LDS meetinghouses for sometime. And as designs for these buildings have become smaller and more spartan, what feature of the cultural hall has disappeared? The stage; the only part of the cultural hall, with any culture.

While technically there is no official, acknowledged list of "most important people" in any given ward, there is an unspoken hierarchy of individuals who are revered; The Bishop and Bishopric, the Relief Society and Elders Quorum President, and the guy with the keys to the chapel who opens it for late night/early morning church ball.

Generally, friendships can be rekindled and bones do mend, but a black eye or broken pair of glasses on a Wednesday morning are the tell tale signs of church ball filled Tuesday night.

9am Block Meeting Schedule

While the New Year brings out the Martinelli's Sparkling Cider and resolutions, possibly the most important change for Mormons throughout the world is one that rocks the foundations of their weekly schedules to its core. For some, it will determine their level of activity for the 365 days to come. In the late fall, Latter Day Saints wait in breathless anticipation of the coming year's block schedule announcement. Mormons utter some of their most fervent prayers to win the scheduling lottery, specifically, one magical time. We speak, of course, of the 9am block meeting schedule.

Faithful Latter Day Saints enjoy cohesion and order in their religion, and barring the exotic scheduling of low LDS population densities back east, and the high LDS population densities in Utah, if you are Mormon, you go to church at either 9am, 11am, or 1pm. While there is some room for debate in terms of personal or family taste, the 9am block schedule remains the most popular time for Saints to gather to worship. This largely is based on the unofficial family rule that piety and spiritual activities should be observed at least until after church. With the 9am schedule, piety and spirituality are squeezed in between bowls of Cap'n Crunch and Lucky Charms and the whirlwind rush to prepare 4-9 small children for church. After a refreshing dose of spiritual nurturing at church, happy families rush home in time to catch the next showing of RV starring Robin Williams on TBS, or even an entire NFL game in the afternoon. Those unfortunate souls who must endure until 1pm struggle to find nourishment beyond a marathon of Living Scriptures VHS tapes, re-runs of Veggie Tales, and a healthy dose of old EFY or Kenneth Cope albums.

The unofficial ending point of most fasts on fast sunday? Ask the average Saint, and they'll tell you enthusiastically "Why, after church of course!" Enthusiastically, that is, unless they have to endure the crucible of fasting until 4:00pm. The 9am block offers a snack size bit of fasting for faithful Saints, the 1pm block, a gruelling test, likely to actually yield spiritual benefits.

The 9am block also has other benefits. For example, at that early hour, it is almost expected that families with small children will arrive 5-10 minutes late, MST, or Mormon Standard Time. At the 1pm block, those same families will still arrive 5-10 minutes late, the difference being the occasional chastisement they will recieve from the bishopric. "We encourage our ward members," the bishop will say "to try to arrive at our meetings on time. It's not as though we are meeting during the 9am block."