Monday, December 22, 2008

Cute And Homey Vinyl Lettering

“My house is a house of order, saith the Lord God.”(D&C 132:18)

This proclamation is one that Mormons have taken very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that now, they have categorized and labeled most rooms of their house using cute and homey vinyl lettering. Once reserved for deli windows and store fronts, the pioneering Mormon has boldly reserved the right to use vinyl lettering to convey a certain “Mormon fung shui chic”. Afraid to leave to the imagination or dangerous speculation the function of a room, or the types of feelings one should feel in said living spaces, vinyl lettering now gently coaxes individuals towards the appropriate function and feelings associated with all areas of the home.

Let us begin on a virtual tour of the cutely designed home adorned with vinyl lettering. Step inside and look towards the mantel above the Pottery Barn perfect fireplace. If there was any doubt before, the reason for the existence of the Mormon abode that you are currently visiting, and all those that reside therein, is “Because Two People Fell In Love”. It is requisite that there be a tasteful shrine to all of the namesake couple’s progeny radiating around a tasteful, if somewhat dated, wedding photo of those blissful lovers.

Turn around and have a look above the door. If there is any doubt as to what you should do whenever you leave that abode, there is a gentle reminder, just above the doorway, to “Return with Honor”, or, alternately, “Remember Who You Are”. Of course, when you return, you may recall, through an ornately decorated home craft (which, incidentally, should be coordinated to the appropriate season) adorning the door, that “Home is where the heart is”.

What is the appropriate behavior while in the vicinity of the kitchen area? Simple. “Kiss the cook”. If there is a fear that that particular admonition may be taken too seriously, or that too much may be expected of a particular meal, perhaps a simple reminder that “I kiss better than I cook” will be more appropriate.

This commandment to have a house of order extends to vehicular transport as well. Stick figures, identifying each family member, ensure that, when you exit the chapel on Sunday, you don’t try to gain entry to the wrong Crimson Toyota Sienna. “Wait a moment, this isn’t Mommy, Daddy, Taylor, Ryan, and Steele’s Sienna! This is Mom, Dad, Braxton, Tracker, Tommy, Becca, and Madison’s Sienna!”. This window decal is usually accompanied by a plastic license plate frame, emphatically enquiring “RULDS2?”. These window decals are also an informal ranking system of familial superiority in Mormon circles.

While nearly any room/vehicle’s mood/function/occupants may be delineated by cutesie vinyl lettering, it is very important to not cross certain lines of good taste. No matter how cute the font, a misplaced “Love Is Spoken Here” stencil above the master bedroom entry way will forever be considered in poor taste.


April said...

What a great blog! Keep the good posts coming, I am sure you'll grow VEERRRY quickly!

Aaron said...

Classic! I gotta show Marlaina this, she'll appreciate....

Floyd the Wonderdog said...

I think I'll use the "I kiss better than I cook" vinyl lettering, but I'll add "and I cook very, very well."