Thursday, November 20, 2008

Chain Restaurants

When Mormons go on vacation, and said vacation extends over at least one Sunday, those not on houseboats will go to church. Upon return, they will invariably comment about how even though the accents/language/clothing styles were different in the ward or branch they visited, it was just like their home ward. This is very comforting to Mormons, as they have been subjected over their lives to an unwavering commitment to consistency in gospel teaching and social norms.

Mormons, therefore, are innately drawn to the comforting sameness of chain restaurants. They know, and are comforted in this knowledge, that regardless of the city, state, or even country, an Olive Garden Tour of Italy will be just as buttery, salty, and rich as in their hometown. The girls will all have to wear ties and Frank Sinatra will be piped into the bathroom speakers. Just as all Mormons share the same color of hymnbook, they all enjoy a meal that has been packaged and frozen in a factory setting, then reheated upon demand and delivered by an enthusiastic waiter who will invariably crouch at the end of the table to take their order.

A fun game for Mormons to play while dining in, say, an Applebees or Chilis, is to speculate on whether or not their waiter is also a Mormon. Sure signs of a Mormon waiter is "the glow." Said glow is a guarantee of at least an extra 10% of tip. Mormons are very careful not to overtip wolves in sheep's clothing, or waiters who only pretend to be happy and content for extra tips, when Mormons know that such a thing can only be possible by adherents to their own faith.

Young Mormon youths also depend on chain restaurants in their courtship. There is no better way to ruin a potentially successful dance date than to risk exposing your date to a difficult food choice at a restaurant she's never heard of. Remember that to Mormons, full-formal dress is only acceptable in three places: school dances, chain restaurants, and bowling alleys.

Knowing this information can make an evening out with Mormons a fairly easy affair. Virtually every town will have at least one Mormon-approved chain restaurant that will make the "where do you want to eat?" question a more-or-less simple one. For a comprehensive list of approved eateries, one need only visit Provo, Utah.

Submitted by Matt Howard

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